Promises to God in Life and an Election Year

The seven-year-old child’s promise to God:

If you don’t let my mom find out I took that dollar, I promise I will never ever ever take anything again that’s not mine. I’ll never steal anything or cheat off Charlie or anybody. I promise!

The twenty-year-old woman’s promise to God:

If you let me get my period, I promise I will never have unprotected sex again. Maybe I won’t have any sex again. And if I do, it will only be after I’m married and hoping for children and then I will raise them all to believe in you and, when they’re older, never have unprotected sex. I promise.

The thirty-year-old man’s promise to God:

If you make her take me back, I promise I will never ever ever look at another woman. Ever. Even at the beach. I promise.

The sixty-year-old woman’s promise to God:

If you will let my mom die without any more pain, I promise I will go to church like she always wanted me to and I will say grace at every meal, just like she did. I promise.

The sixty-eight-year-old man’s promise to God:

If you will let me figure out how to get it up just a few more times, I promise I will stop complaining all the time about all the other ways that I’m falling apart and I’ll try to be more grateful. Just a few more times. I promise.

The seventy-four-year-old woman’s promise to God:

If you could just let Kamala win, I promise to disconnect from social media and stop obsessing about the news and focus on doing good and making life better for my family and my neighbors and making these last years count and telling my granddaughters about how your teachings are reflected in the country we can become. I promise.

The eighty-year-old man’s promise to God:

If you could just let it not let it be cancer, I promise that I will start working out and eat better and tell my wife I love her more often and wear that ugly “comma-LA” t-shirt she gave me. I promise!